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Trying to be UP

It has been 25 days since my son died.  25 days!  I have cried each and every one of those days.  Today I cried when I looked at his little dog snuggled up in my bed.  Each time Dale would come to get her she would get so excited.  It was if she would say to Dale…I thought I would never see you again.  She was always that excited to see him.  It breaks my heart that she will never see him again.  That I will never see him again.  I don’t have enough photos of him.  I don’t have enough videos of him. I don’t have him.  He was not with me all of the time.  I didn’t see him every day, I didn’t even talk to him every day, yet I knew he was there, that he was just a phone call, or a text away.  If I needed him he would be here in a heartbeat.  Now he won’t.  I am so sad.  Each day I am sad.  Sad that he is gone.  Sad that he is not a phone call away.  Sad that I will never again hear him say…”Because I am Dale.”  or “Hey momma.”  So, so sad.

Today as I scroll through facebook or instagram I see so many happy smiling faces.  Just a month ago my own feed showed happy, smiling faces.  I know that soon I will once again show happy smiling faces, yet there will be a sadness behind those smiles, a sadness behind those happy faces.   The loss of my son has taught me that.  It taught me what I already knew…it brought it home for me.

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Life

Ball in the Box Analogy

My sister shared this with me yesterday. I am not sure it explains grief perfectly…I doubt anyone could do that, but it is something to consider.
Grief is a tricky thing to consider.  Someone once compared it to a moving ball in a box with a grief button.  At first the ball is as big as the inside of the box and the grief button is hit all of the time.  Over time, the ball shrinks and only hits the button occasionally. The grief is still there, yet is not triggered as often as it was at first.

Ball Box Analogy

I found this quote on another website.

“Grief is never experienced the same way for any two people. But it helps to know that grief impacts most of us in a way where the pain is intense at the beginning, but the frequency (if not the intensity) of the pain lessens over time. Most of us walk through life, carrying our own box with a ball of grief inside of it. Remember that the next time you see someone, as they may be struggling with their own ball in the box.”

Ball Box Analogy #2

I have always said this about people, not in those words, just that when we see people having a hard day…we don’t know why…for all we know they may have just lost a pet, or a job, or even a son. We all cope with grief in different ways. If you see me in the store and notice that I look happy, I may be happy, yet sad at the same time.  Whether I look happy or sad, remember that I am struggling with my own ball in a box.

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Barking Dogs

8:21pm

In the past when the dogs would start barking at night…I would wonder if Dale was here.  He would show up unexpectedly.  A nice little surprise.  Sometimes not so nice, but most of the times nice.  Tonight when the dogs started barking my mind went immediately to Dale.  Oh wait, It can’t be Dale.  It will never again be Dale. Sigh.

 

12:09pm October 28, 2020

The last two days have been bad…ugly crying bad.  Today has been better.  Not great, but better.

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Plans

Someone asked me if I had any plans for the 1 month mark after Dale’s death.  Oh boy!  I had not even thought of that.  Since being asked that question about plans for something to mark one month, I have been giving it a lot of thought.   It is winter here where we live.  The ground is already covered in snow.  We won’t be able to put a grave marker on his grave until spring.  I want to do something for the winter months, to mark his grave.  I want to be able to see where he is, from the road.  I think I will put those bent rods that hold hanging flower baskets.  I have seen others at the cemetery so I know they are allowed there.  I won’t be able to hang flower baskets with real flowers, but maybe I can place other items.  At least his grave will be marked and I will be able to find it. That thought brings me some comfort.  Now that I have thought of this, I don’t want to wait until the one month mark.  I want to do it right away.

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Remember Dale

Here is what has been on my heart…what if I can’t remember? What if, as the years pass, I can’t remember Dale.  I can no longer remember what he looked like.  What he smelled like.  How he would hug me.  What if I can’t remember?  I do not want to forget.  As the years pass will I remember Dale?  That thought grieves me to no end.  As I sit here typing this I cry, lots and lots of tears.  Will I remember Dale?  Will I remember how generous he was?  Will I remember how he was always willing to lend a hand?  Will I remember that I always knew that if I called him, he would come.  Will I remember he was always there for me.  No matter how much he struggled in his own life, others always came first.  My last conversation with him he asked me how he could help others when he could not even help himself.  Yet he tried to help himself.  Even at the end, he was trying.  Dale was an alcoholic.  He went to treatment twice, yet the addiction would not loosen its grip on him.  Five days before he died, he stopped drinking.  Cold turkey.  His body could not handle it.  He checked himself into the hospital.  Suddenly things went bad.  That is what the doctor told me.  His heart could not  take it and it stopped.  They worked on Dale for a long time.  Yet his heart would not work on its own.  Dale never gave up, he kept trying.  I always want to remember how hard Dale tried.  How much he loved his family.  How much he loved his friends.  How much I loved him.  He once talked about dying.  I told him he could not die, I would be devastated.  I was right.  I am devastated.

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The Day of the Funeral

Tragedy struck my family at the beginning of October when my 29 year old son unexpectedly passed away. We are all trying to move forward while living with this big hole in our lives. Editing videos is keeping me busy and right now I need that.

So many tears have been shed, since the passing of my son. So many feelings have been felt. We all deal with grief in our own way. Sharing my story, really just bits of my story, is one way I am dealing with my grief. We have cried, we have laughed, we have spent hours with family sharing our memories. My son loved to laugh, he loved people, he had a wonderful sense of humor. He will never be forgotten.

I did not record any video during the hardest moments.

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First Snow of the Season

Tragedy struck my family at the beginning of October. My 29 year old son unexpectedly passed away. We are all trying to move forward while living with this big hole in our lives. Today’s video is recent and also a look back to our first snowfall of the season, before life changed. Editing videos is keeping me busy and and right now I need that. This also explains why it is different than my normal videos. I hope you find peace in the calmness of the falling snow.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Here is a link to a video I did about the first snow of the season.

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Two Very Bad Weeks

It has been two weeks since my life turned upside down.  Two long weeks.  Two of the worst weeks of my life.  The absolute worst weeks of my life.  Two days ago it hit me, and hit me hard.  Ugly hard! My son is not coming back.  I knew this from the moment we got the call from the hospital telling us that he was in cardiac arrest and to come quickly. I knew it when we picked out his casket and made plans to bury him, I knew it the day we went to a private family viewing at the funeral home, I knew it the day we said goodbye as he was lowered into the ground, yet it didn’t feel real, it still doesn’t feel real.   My heart is aching. His name was Dale.   He was my son and he was real, he lived, he loved, and he was loved.

This is the eulogy my mom gave at Dale’s service.

This is my remembrance of my grandson Dale. Dale loved life. He loved living life and he loved living life with others. Dale loved his work. He loved learning new things and he loved doing a good job. Dale loved his family. He loved spending time with his family and he always loved spending time with me.

Dale loved life. He was always willing to try something new. He learned how to ride a bike just about the same time he learned how to walk. His older brothers might have had something to do with that. He was proud that he had grown up with older brothers. He felt that having tough older brothers made him tougher. Later, he learned to ski with the same kind of ease that he learned to ride a bicycle. His curiosity could lead him into trouble, but he will be remembered for the enthusiastic, fearless way he embraced life.

Dale was always on the lookout for new friends. He grew up going to church and learning about Jesus. He was part of the youth group throughout his teen years. He loved being around people and never seemed to enjoy being alone. When he was alone, he had to have music. Dale loved Music. The louder the better.And he was always up for an adventure. Dale also liked to dress up. He would put on a suit at the drop of a hat and loved wearing fancy shoes. He didn’t need to have a reason to look good. It just came naturally. Speaking of looking good, Dale loved driving around in either one of the two beautiful Cadillacs that he owned over the years. Dale loved Life.

When he was able, Dale loved to work. He took satisfaction in a job well done and loved the appreciation he received for doing a job for someone else. He was innately curious, always trying to figure out how things worked. He was able to take apart just about anything that required tools and to put it back together again the way it should be. He worked at Fox Motors for a time training to do body work. He enjoyed it and aspired to be a master craftsman at body work. He even took pride in the tools that he used, often expounding on the pros and cons of some of the better quality tools versus others. He also had a great generosity and a joy for helping others. Dale loved being able to help others.

Dale loved his family. He used to say that I was his favorite grandma on his mother’s side. He had a way of making me feel special, and letting me know that he loved his Oma Etta just as much. Whenever I came to visit Michigan, he always made sure to be there to see me. And whenever we had a family gathering in Minneapolis, Dale wanted to be there too. Spending time with family, aunts, uncles, and cousins; if they were family, Dale wanted to know them, and for them to know him.

My daughter Angela, Dale’s mother, once told the story of when Dale’s brother Jack was born. He brought a box into the room with the baby. When Angela asked Dale what the box was for, Dale answered. I’m going to make a Jack in the box. Dale loved being part of a big family and loved all of his siblings, and he always enjoyed a good laugh.

Speaking of family, Dale had a dog that he loved like it was family. She is a little miniature pincer named Piper. One time when we were talking about whether a dog should be eating table scraps, or any kind of people food, Dale said of Piper, “whatever I eat, she eats.” He loved that dog like it was a person. Dale loved his dog like it was family, and Dale loved his family.

I have one more story about Dale. When he was younger, he would listen to a Christian radio program with his siblings. There was one story that talked about addiction in a kid friendly manner. The story featured a talking chicken named Henny that a boy became addicted to. When the boy tried to break the addiction, the chicken just wouldn’t let the boy go. Dale had some understandings about the dangers of addiction, and just like the boy in the story, Dale tried to break his addiction. He went twice to treatment centers, but the addiction just wouldn’t let him go. But I believe that Dale put his faith in the Lord Jesus, and that I will see Dale again one day.

And that is my remembrance of my grandson Dale. Dale loved life. Dale loved to work and he loved helping others. Dale loved his family and I will always love him. And I will always remain his favorite grandma on his mother’s side.

 

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Loss hurts so bad

It has been twelve days. This is so hard! I am bawling. It is like it suddenly hit me. Dale is dead. How can Dale be dead? How??? How can my son be dead? He isn’t here anymore. How can that be? I think I am panicking a bit. I loved Dale with all of my heart. He was such a big part of my life. He called me or messaged me almost every day. Now he is gone. I still can’t believe it. He is gone.  I loved him so much. Now I will never see him grow old, I will never hug him again. How can he be gone? Why?

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Life

The Morning After

I did not sleep well. I got up.
I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, just like every other morning, yet it is not like every other morning.  I will never again hear my son say to me, “Hey Momma.”  Each morning I write the date and weather conditions in a note book, I often record other notes. Today I added the words Dale Died.
He died.  There is that. I have been crying since I got up.  So many many tears.