Category: Life

I visited the dentist today for a new crown.   Before starting I told the dentist that sometimes I didn’t always numb up from whatever they use as a numbing agent.  He told me they would be using Lidocaine.  All was going well until the second injection.  At that point it felt like I had an electrical shot in my jaw and I started feeling really anxious.  I never feel anxious like that.  I waited for him to finish the injection, because what more could I do?  Then I told him I was feeling strange, that I never feel anxious, but was feeling anxious.  I was feeling restless and I didn’t know how else to explain it.  He was very calm and told me that there was also Epinephrine with the Lidocaine, and  while it didn’t happen often,  it did effect some people the way I described it. He said it would subside after a few minutes. I was also having a sharp pain in my chest, so I said to him, “So I am not having a heart attack?  This pain in my chest is normal?”  He looked at me and told me I was not having a heart attack.  Okay, I felt better about that.  Yet, I did not feel better at all.    He explained to me why they use epinephrine and why it was making me feel the way it did.  That was also reassuring.  He sat there with me for awhile, but then got up and left me in the care of his assistant. (I am sorry, I am sure she has a title, but I do not know what it was.)  After the doctor left I sat there for awhile.  The assistant chatted with me, while I described how I was feeling. She then told me she was having palpitations…but quickly amended that to sympathy symptoms.  After a few long minutes, I stopped feeling anxious, but then got the chills The chest pain subsided and it was about that time the doctor walked back into the room.   I still felt a bit off and had sporadic pain in my chest, but I was ready to proceed.   It was only later, when I was home that I wondered just how common or uncommon my reaction was.  Especially since the assistant was having sympathy symptoms.  Instead of sympathy symptoms, was she anxious for me?  I had never had this reaction before, so maybe I had not had that combination of Lidocaine/Epinephrine in the past, I don’t know.  The doctor also told me his wife and her mother experienced the same thing.  This made me wonder if this reaction could run in families, so I mentioned my reaction to some of my siblings.  One sister told me she had the same reaction.  So then I told my children.  My own son said he felt a similar response to the Lidocaine/Epinephrine shot, only he did not make the connection until I described it to him.  Now I wonder just how common this reaction is and is it that people do not realize why they are feeling so anxious in the dentist chair.

Remember Dale

Someone asked me if I had any plans for the one month mark after Dale’s death.  Oh boy!  I had not even thought of that.   Here is what has been on my heart…what if I can’t remember? What if, as the years pass, I can’t remember Dale.  What if I can no longer remember what he looked like or what he smelled like, or how he would hug me?  What if I can’t remember?  I do not want to forget.  As the years pass will I remember Dale?  That thought grieves me to no end.  As I sit here typing this I cry, lots and lots of tears.  Will I remember Dale?  Will I remember how generous he was?  Will I remember how he was always willing to lend a hand?  Will I remember that I always knew that if I called him, he would come.  Will I remember he was always there for me.  No matter how much he struggled in his own life, others always came first.

My last conversation with him he asked me how he could help others when he could not even help himself.  Yet he tried to help himself.  Even at the end, he was trying.  Dale was an alcoholic.  He went to treatment twice, yet the addiction would not loosen its grip on him.  Five days before he died, he stopped drinking.  Cold turkey.  His body could not handle it.  He checked himself into the hospital.  Suddenly things went bad.  That is what the doctor told me.  His heart could not  take it and it stopped.  They worked on Dale for a long time.  Yet his heart would not work on its own.  Dale never gave up, he kept trying.  I always want to remember how hard Dale tried.  How much he loved his family.  How much he loved his friends.  How much I loved him.  He once talked about dying.  I told him he could not die, I would be devastated.  I was right.  I am devastated.

Since being asked that question about plans for something to mark one month, I have been giving it a lot of thought.   It is winter here where we live.  The ground is already covered in snow.  We won’t be able to put a grave marker on his grave until spring.  I want to do something for the winter months, to mark his grave.  I want to be able to see where he is, from the road.  I think I will put one those bent rods that hold hanging flower baskets at the head of his grave.  I have seen others at the cemetery so I know they are allowed there.  I won’t be able to hang flower baskets with real flowers, but maybe I can place other items.  At least his grave will be marked and I will be able to find it. That thought brings me some comfort.  Now that I have thought of this, I don’t want to wait until the one month mark.  I want to do it right away.

My sister shared this with me yesterday. I am not sure it explains grief perfectly…I doubt anyone could do that, but it is something to consider.
Grief is a tricky thing to consider.  Someone once compared it to a moving ball in a box with a grief button.  At first the ball is as big as the inside of the box and the grief button is hit all of the time.  Over time, the ball shrinks and only hits the button occasionally. The grief is still there, yet is not triggered as often as it was at first.

Ball Box Analogy

I found this quote on another website.

“Grief is never experienced the same way for any two people. But it helps to know that grief impacts most of us in a way where the pain is intense at the beginning, but the frequency (if not the intensity) of the pain lessens over time. Most of us walk through life, carrying our own box with a ball of grief inside of it. Remember that the next time you see someone, as they may be struggling with their own ball in the box.”

Ball Box Analogy #2

I have always said this about people, not in those words, just that when we see people having a hard day…we don’t know why…for all we know they may have just lost a pet, or a job, or even a son. We all cope with grief in different ways. If you see me in the store and notice that I look happy, I may be happy, yet sad at the same time.  Whether I look happy or sad, remember that I am struggling with my own ball in a box.

I did not sleep well. I got up.
I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, just like every other morning, yet it is not like every other morning.  I will never again hear my son say to me, “Hey Momma.”  Each morning I write the date and weather conditions in a note book, I often record other notes. Today I added the words Dale Died.
He died.  There is that. I have been crying since I got up.  So many many tears.

On Saturday we lost my dog Samson.

We all had a chance to say goodbye to him Saturday morning.  I sat next to him, and pet him and told him that he was a good dog.  I told him that he didn’t need to hold on any longer.  He was a good dog.  If you have been watching my channel for some time, you know what a big part he was in my family.

I know that my grief does not compare to so many who are grieving the loss of loved ones at this time of the pandemic, yet I still grieve.  It is a different kind of grief, yet it is a real feeling.  Samson was a big part of my life for the past 8 years.  When we brought Samson home, we knew it would be for life. We also knew that Bernese Mountain dogs do not have a long lifespan.  He was my buddy, my shadow.  Dogs hold a special place in our lives.  I can tell you that Samson held a special place in my life.  I am sad at my loss, and I miss my dog…My life is different now.  Better for having had Samson in my life.

When I was a child my older sister and I would walk to school together, well most days we would walk together, some days she would try to ditch me and run off.  I thought she was the most awesome person in the whole world and would follow her anywhere, however she did not always like having a little sister tagging along.  This would be a battle between us all the way through high school.  Even so, most days we would walk together. Some of my favorite morning walks to school were when the weather was frosty and the standing puddles would freeze over leaving a nice icy layer on top, perfect for cracking. There was nothing as exciting as the race to see who would be the first to reach the frozen puddles to crack the ice. I love the sound of that cracking ice.  I guess I never grew out of it.  The excitement I felt then is just as real today, the only thing that would make it better would be to share the experience with my older sister once again, however my sweet sister passed away a few years ago and I miss her terribly, so I am thankful for those memories.

Today’s video brought back so many sweet memories of my big sister.
I hope you enjoy watching it as much as I enjoyed making it.