Today marks the 5th month since my son Dale died. I often think of the words, “loss of my son”, but I don’t like to say that as I didn’t lose my son, he died. It still seems surreal, like at any moment my phone is going to ring and I am going to hear Dale say, Hey Momma. Oh, do I miss him. The tears still fall, the pain is still very real. My heart still hurts and I feel that it always will hurt. I will grow older but without Dale in my life. He will forever be 29. 29 years young. Even now it huts too much to write about this loss. Even thought I don’t like it…yes, it is a loss in my life, while I didn’t lose him, there is a loss in my life without him in it. Today was a hard day.
At the end of 2020 A friend asked this question:
What little (or big!) things have brought you joy this year?
My response:
If you had asked me before October I would have said family. I find joy in my family. In October I had a great loss in my family. While I still have joy, it has been overshadowed by grief. There is still joy and the answer is still my family, yet there is sorrow. I think the sorrow will always remain, I have hope that before long the joy will overshadow the sorrow. So focusing on little things, like a visit from my son who lives far away, or the laughter of my grandchildren, or a hug from my husband when the tears start flowing. All those bring me joy.
2020 was a rough year for everyone, including me. For me, it was a different reason than most people. At the beginning of October, my son died. It was sudden and unexpected. He was sick, although not from covid. He checked himself into the hospital and a few short hours later he was gone. Gone. It was too fast, too sudden. We rushed to the hospital. They were still doing compressions when we got there. They worked on him for a long time, but his heart would not start.
I believe that God has a plan for everything. He gives us freewill to make choices, yet at the same time he knows what we will choose. That thought was always hard for me to comprehend as a child, and I am not sure I fully understand it now, yet I know that God has a plan. Even so, I don’t know why God’s plan included letting my son die when he was just 29 years old. Nevertheless, I still trust in the Lord, and that He had a plan for my son’s life. God knew just how many day’s my son would have on this earth, how many minutes and how many seconds. For many years my son told me that he didn’t think he would live to be 30. When we celebrated his 28th birthday he told me he thought he would not have lived to see 28. I scoffed at him and told him that he was wrong about 28 he would be wrong about 30. I was wrong. Was God preparing him? Was God preparing me? If so, it did not work, I was not prepared. I am still not prepared and tomorrow it will be 3 months from the day he died. Yet, God still has a plan.
This video was recorded at the end of 2020. I tried over and over to express my thoughts about 2020. I can’t blame a year for bad things happening. Bad things happen all of the time, every year. It just seemed it 2020 hit me hard. Yet I have hope for the future.
